I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
