Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
