the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
