Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
honey bunches of taint.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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