Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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