I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
