I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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