my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
