it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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