Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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