1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
