I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
