I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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