The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
