i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
