dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
