Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.