I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
