god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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