I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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