Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
