I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
