nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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