I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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