i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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