I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
