I think my vagina is haunted
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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