the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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