Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
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Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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