please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pants are for mortals
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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