He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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