i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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