Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
