Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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