Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
