Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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