I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
