the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
