Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize