party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Text me some of your sweat
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