I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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