he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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