You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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