I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
