At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
