i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
