why didn't you poke me back
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
