Me too!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
