yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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