Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
