Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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