Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
