Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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