Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
