At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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