is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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