I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
