I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
