everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
