I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
