dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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