i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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