You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
