I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
