so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
