theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
